You, me, and everyone we know could get better at the art of giving feedback.

The debate about feedback at work - how to do it, how not to do it - is ongoing. The jury may still be out, but there’s good evidence to overturn accepted common practice. 

We also know from our own experience that the mere phrase “Can I give you some feedback” spikes a stress response. That kind of cortisol spike induces a reflexive fight or flight response, which absolutely inhibits learning, growth, and development, which is the whole point of the feedback. If someone is in that biochemical mode, it’s hard to listen.

Intelligent, well-informed people can look at the same data and reach completely different conclusions. That’s not a problem; that’s being human: we all tend to like our own way of thinking. 

The problem is what happens next: when others don’t see what you see, often the natural impulse is to dig in, marshal your evidence, and start convincing people you’re right. Others on the team might do the same…and a “battle for who is right” ensues. Teams can get stuck there, for weeks or even months, infighting instead of moving forward.

Even the best actors spend more time rehearsing than performing. The same is true for athletes. For Olympic athletes, they train a whole year for just a few days of all-out performance! In general, no athlete trains 8 hours a day, five days a week. And coaches are always on hand in both cases to help guide top performers through their training and preparation and help them reflect on past performance.

For CEOs, it’s flipped - most of their time is spent “on stage” - in calls with investors, meeting with team members, having one high-stakes conversation after another. And leadership can feel lonely - often, they are doing it with less support than they need. Everyone needs to go backstage to recover and prepare for the next act from time to time, and leaders in particular can significantly benefit from an intentional approach to their development and performance.

I often tell my clients that they are their best coach. In fact, they are the head coach. I’m just the assistant coach. And wouldn’t you know it? Most of their self-coaching happens in their heads: after all, our toughest conversations are usually with ourselves.Our inner conversations either help us or hold us back. The following seven questions are starting points for worthwhile conversations to have with yourself. Asking yourself these seven questions can help you clarify and solidify your leadership stance. 

While money can be found, borrowed, printed or even invented, we all know that no amount of money can buy a 25th hour in the day. Time is limited, tomorrow is not guaranteed. And no amount of money can make someone really care. No amount of money can motivate someone to give every ounce of their energy and talent. You can’t buy real enthusiasm! The only way to get the best work from someone is to inspire them and then get out of their way.

For most companies, the most scarce resources are the time, energy and talent of their people, and the insights, ideas and wisdom those people generate.

I’m holding two opposed ideas in tension right now:

1. Having clear goals and making bold choices create powerful results.

2. Clear goals inhibit the achievement of greatness.

The goal math is simple:

Big Goals + Accountability = Success!

But the reality is more complex. 

Sometimes these transformational changes take more than goals and accountability, clarity and dedication. Transformational changes in our life often entail transformational shifts in how we think, what we value and how we see ourselves.

And sometimes, real transformational change requires us to give up our goals and objectives entirely.